‎اولیا | ॉलीअ | আউলিয়া

Before we dive into the words, let me recommend you for listening December by Neckdeep cause it’ll vibing this story.

Okay, here we go

I spent the majority of my college being in “almost relationships”. You know what I mean – the kind of relationships that are almost to the finish line but never quite make it. I constantly felt like I was in a tortoise and hare chase – and I always fell short of making it in the end.

When someone ends a casual or almost relationship with you, it’s not exactly a proper breakup. But it’s also not exactly a small deal. It can hurt as much as a breakup from a ‘real relationship’. And guess what? It can hurt even more.

Normally when I like someone and I get the sense that they like me too, I assume they will want to be exclusive with me and only me. But, it seems like nowadays everyone wants casual and cool instead of ever having the real thing.

In my last 2021, I met this boy with eyes I could stare into for weeks. He was the ideal type of person for me. Witty, cute, glasses boy, and sweet as can be. And the plus one, he is a doctor. Damn. I met him everyweek and had movie nights with him on Thursday. He is always wanted to get some meal with me for almost every damn day and gave me the recommendation of his favorite meals and ofkors the restaurant.

“Nanti main bowling yuk kapan2 hehe”

“Kita harus sarapan bareng sih fix, udah pernah ke Warung Kopi Purnama belum? Itu enak bange loh, senin yuk?”

“Pernah main gaa? Ayuk kapan2 main paintball bareng hahaha”

“Nanti jajan2 nya lagi sama aku yaah! Biar explore makanan nya bisa banyak 😂”

“Hehe beres aku jaga aja yaahh! Btw mau sekalian nonton gak? Hehe”

“Ayoo anterin aku kesana lagii”

“Nanti ayce yuuk! Hanamasa deh atau kintan juga boleeh!”

“Kamu gasuka ikan yaa berarti kita skrg makan bebek!”

“Yaah, maranggi Haji Yetti mah b aja. Nanti aku ajak kamu ke sate Bah Use. Itu sumpah enak bangeeet”

“Aku pengen makan bakso di Wale deh, belum penah. Kamis depan kesana yuk!”

“Jangan makan junkfood teruus!!”

“Awas makan dulu kalau mau pergi2, jangan lupa”

“Sarapan yah jangan lupa”

“Selamat istirahaat eginn! Goodnight yaa sleep well!”

“Eginn yang nyenyak yaahh pake selimutnyaa! Goodnight!”

“Hati2 dijalan yaa! Inget makann”

“Yaah kasiaan ih, makan yg banyaak nanti begitu sampe langsung istirahat tidur yaah”

“Sarapan duluu sebelum pergii!”

“Goodnight eginn! Waiting to see you soon!”

“Gimana hari minggu nyaa? Mudah2an seru yaa! Jaga kesehatan jangan terlalu capee”

“Istirahat yaaah! Ada kegiatan apa hari inii?”

“Wkwk virtual fist bump gemes bgt knpsi hahaha”

”Egin suka nya masak apa aja emaang? Coba coba kalo masakan yg lain bisa apaa haha mau nyobaa”

“Ihhh kenapa gamau jawaaab hahaha, oke aku akan bawain sesuatu pokoknya yg pasti kamu akan suka hahahaha”

“Mau sekalian dianter aja ke drg nyaaa? Kontrol yahh?”

“Kenapa hari inii? Ceritaa yuk yuk”

“Kamu bawa kendaraan sendiri gaak? Mau dianter ntar pulangnyaa?”

“Alhamdulillah kalo gituu aku takut kamu nya sendiri ntar terus mana hujan lagi sekarang kaann”

“Yeaay! Besok jadinya aku jemput jam 4 ?”

“Abis jaga pengen ditemenin makan malem deh hehehe”

“I love it a lott huhu enak bgt sumpah, Kamu berbakat sekalii, Lemon nya sampe aku emutin hahahaha”

“Dimarahin ga tadi btw? Huhu bilang mama maafin pulangnya malemm”

I felt like I had known him forever and I really thought it was going to be different with him.

Unfortunately all I ever got from that relationship was left over hickies, a broken heart, and rejection that stung like nothing I had ever experienced before. I don’t know how it happened. I didn’t see it coming at all. I was expecting him to come to my door with that adorable smile. I was expecting him to come to my door planting a huge of hug on me without a care in the world.

“Anjrit deh, yang duluan lari-larian buat pengen abcd kan dia. Kok jadi gue yg dibuat bingung di akhir sih?”

He was never mine, I know. We weren’t ‘official’. We weren’t ‘together’., But it sure felt like it for a few weeks and months. And it sure felt like it was a real relationship. At least to me.

When he ended it, it sure felt like a breakup. I called all my girlfriends who armed me with tissues and my favorite iced coffee&some cookies. I called my mom sobbing. And I cried myself to sleep for nights afterwards.

So maybe to him it was all casual. Maybe to him, I was nothing. But for me, it all felt real. It felt right. It felt good.

And that’s the thing about ending something that wasn’t really ever there in the first place. There are no rules, and no regulations. When someone changes their mind, you can’t convince them to stay. You can’t beg them to love you like you love them. It just ends without warning and without much thought.

Because you can’t really end something that was never really anything in the first place, can you?